This ain't gonna make sense 'cause I neva give y'all no context

Ah!

Life has a way of balancing itself out, so that if yesterday seemed too awesome to be true (yesterday was a day of many many opportunities and new contacts, kind of overwhelming), it was definitely countered by a rainy today...

Today was one of those days when everything just goes wrong, but in the best way possible, just because it's a new experience. Plus, the rain, snow, ice mix.

SO, today I had an interview with a well-established journalist working on a Montreal travel guide.

First, I was late for bus, so I cabbed to make it on time. Then, I waited in the wrong location in Old Montreal for the interview for a good half-hour because I was unaware of some change of location, so the cabbing was unnecessary. Also, it was not a good day to find out that my waterproof boots were no longer waterproof after being abused by Montreal weather for three months. Then, at the interview, Miss Journalist basically said I was "overqualified," which is really nice and flattering but slightly unbelievable (did I say slightly because I mean really), but also implied that she had met many candidates for whom this position was a stepping stone into editing which is why they would be motivated to go at it, while in my case, I was passionate, but not as focused. After discussion, I have to admit that the job did sound like very mundane grunt work that requires a great deal of drive...so I'm cool with this not working out. It actually shouldn't. I could tell that I was nervous, but not do anything about it. Lame.

For some reason, I'm not upset by any of this. I made so many novice moves...like not realizing the bus was at its last stop until someone told me it was, and other...funny sorts of moments that were really cringe-worthy -- moments that would be funny so long as one is watching them in a sitcom and not living them.

ALSO. I got to work this morning and I found a mistake that I had made in processing an expense report, plus my boss was stressed over formulating the budget or something which makes him slightly less, like an infinitesimal bit less, pleasant.

/end rant.

Just keep swimming~Dory

I realized that I tend to only post here in the absence of happiness, but not when I'm happy.

I am content right now because I am doing activities that are self-esteem reinforcing, aka, I'm getting involved and I realized that it's worth the stress.

The stress of doing stuff is better than the anxiety of not doing anything. I thought it would be relaxing to focus on academics without overachieving, but it's not. I guess it's how Dagny felt when she tried to not be VP Operations of Taggart Transcontinental (Atlas Shrugged, Ayn Rand).

I wanted to convince myself that it's okay to not be an overachiever. And I know it is, but I deny it to myself. And I tried very hard to stop myself from worrying because I wasn't doing every possible thing I could do to boost my resume, to build character, to move ahead. But it didn't work. And I've come to terms with that. I have an overachieving disorder and I can cope with it.

It's not such a bad thing after all, right?

And paradoxically, apparently being more involved helps boost academic performance as well (so I've heard).

So I'm going to heed Dory's advice in Finding Nemo, and just keep swimming.

Montreal Weather Character Analysis

• Unpredictable
• Fickle
• Feisty
• Spiteful
• Takes great pleasure in the pains and confusion of others
• Smirking at everyone
• Sick sense of humour <-- I like the u.
• Occasionally feels a little guilty/sorry for us.
• In love with water.
• A drama queen

Also

Why do I STILL have trouble with opening yogurts with granola tops without spilling granola and yogurt everywhere? I've been buying these from the caf since August and I still can't get it right...

Truth

Posting my blog link on Facebook every time I have a new entry has greatly affected my ability to be uncensored.

Having any audience will cause me to self-censor, and my self-censoring rises proportionally with the number of potential known readers, and therefore, I self-censor a lot more when I post on Facebook. Not so much when I tweet it because I don't really use Twitter much.

In my tiny attempt of promoting my blog, I sacrificed content and the pleasure of writing my blog. It was a poor attempt anyway -- it's not like I learned more about SEO or online marketing.

This blog is here for me, first and foremost, and not for you.

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I am now back in Montreal, but I feel very lost.

When I was home, I drifted timelessly from day to day doing pretty much nothing. I watched TV, played Wii with my sisters, and baked. I barely used Facebook just because I had no need of social connection -- that's just the way I am when I'm at home with my family.

Now that I'm no longer home, I feel crushed with an overpowering sense of loneliness and anxiety pertaining to what the future holds. My fingers automatically type Face-- into the browser every few minutes and of course, Facebook immediately comes up. I wait for a phone call from my family, usually after 9:00PM when I don't have to use my minutes (weekends and evenings free!).

I'm homesick because at home, I have no obligations and no responsibilities. Here, I remember my purpose as a student and I remember that I do not feel comfortable with myself unless I am that overreaching, overachieving student who does everything she can possibly do.

I feel that I should be looking for job opportunities, internships relating to my career choice, anything that will propel me forward. There's that constant preoccupation with forward, with the idea of getting somewhere faster. I am conflicted with my compulsion to be efficient with my time and my desire to escape the route of stress and competition, to be more laid-back. It's weird having the personality I do -- in which I can be neurotic but chill at the same time.

And honestly, I just don't know what my career choice is. I have no sense of direction, which is terrifying. I don't have a road map telling me exactly what to "shape" myself for a particular occupation because I don't know what that particular occupation is. If I did, I would not feel this tightening in my heart and this desire to regress into childhood and home.

Can you believe it? I've already searched airfares from Montreal to NYC for February break several times. I really want to escape.

Let's look on the BRIGHTSIDE.

If it were up to me, I could bitch and moan about chemistry for quite a while.

Perhaps the most succinctly my sentiments have ever been put manifests in the words of the anonymous veterans of organic chemistry lab, as they remain etched for eternity on a lab table:"I hate chemistry." "i know. this is 4 smart people." "FUCK you."

And truly, I think I'm just a complainer. I just whine. It's something I find reaaaaallly annoying about myself.

But instead: I shall think happy thoughts -- these will probably revolve around food.

1) I had a shawarma today. I love shawarmas. I love Basha's.

2) I bought clementines (SEEDLESS) at Provigo yesterday.

3) Provigo now sells Wheetabix.

4) How I Met Your Mother is hilarious.

5) I am alive.

6) My laptop still works (I had a brief laptop-Darjeeling tea water damage scare, from which my wonderful machine recovered unscathed).

7) The cashier at DeSerres not only didn't judge my love of Legos but bought the exact helicopter model I wanted the day before.

8) I'm American. This is not a statement about Canadians or other nationalities. It's just that I've never experienced for myself that stigma that can come with being American outside of the America. Identifying myself as "American" has so many different meanings. I was born and raised in America. And despite my predisposition for complaining, I've really had a great 18 years of life so far, with few real actual hardships and many white whines. I am not embarrassed to say I'm American. And right now, I am basking happily in the notoriety of being American. America represent, yo.

9) I'm in FREAKING Montreal.

10) I don't have to wear pants in my dorm room.

11) I'm in my dorm room.

12) I can read and write.

13) You can read 12) and take a moment to realize the profundity of that statement.

14) Or not.

15) Brandon Flowers was born.

This is what organic chemistry does to me.

So down in the dumps that I'm ready to become rather intoxicated and wail Beatles songs at a bar on Open Mic night until I'm pulled off the stage.

i'm sad

i need to be comforted

let's get drunk

listen to the Beatles for anything

why listen when i can sing?

but i need an audience.

chemistryyyyyyy.

you treat me like a toy

i put so much effort into making this work

and you just laugh at me

you're just too complicated

too fucked up inside

you need to see someone

a shrink. God. a Beatles concert.