Just keep swimming~Dory

I realized that I tend to only post here in the absence of happiness, but not when I'm happy.

I am content right now because I am doing activities that are self-esteem reinforcing, aka, I'm getting involved and I realized that it's worth the stress.

The stress of doing stuff is better than the anxiety of not doing anything. I thought it would be relaxing to focus on academics without overachieving, but it's not. I guess it's how Dagny felt when she tried to not be VP Operations of Taggart Transcontinental (Atlas Shrugged, Ayn Rand).

I wanted to convince myself that it's okay to not be an overachiever. And I know it is, but I deny it to myself. And I tried very hard to stop myself from worrying because I wasn't doing every possible thing I could do to boost my resume, to build character, to move ahead. But it didn't work. And I've come to terms with that. I have an overachieving disorder and I can cope with it.

It's not such a bad thing after all, right?

And paradoxically, apparently being more involved helps boost academic performance as well (so I've heard).

So I'm going to heed Dory's advice in Finding Nemo, and just keep swimming.

Montreal Weather Character Analysis

• Unpredictable
• Fickle
• Feisty
• Spiteful
• Takes great pleasure in the pains and confusion of others
• Smirking at everyone
• Sick sense of humour <-- I like the u.
• Occasionally feels a little guilty/sorry for us.
• In love with water.
• A drama queen

Also

Why do I STILL have trouble with opening yogurts with granola tops without spilling granola and yogurt everywhere? I've been buying these from the caf since August and I still can't get it right...

Truth

Posting my blog link on Facebook every time I have a new entry has greatly affected my ability to be uncensored.

Having any audience will cause me to self-censor, and my self-censoring rises proportionally with the number of potential known readers, and therefore, I self-censor a lot more when I post on Facebook. Not so much when I tweet it because I don't really use Twitter much.

In my tiny attempt of promoting my blog, I sacrificed content and the pleasure of writing my blog. It was a poor attempt anyway -- it's not like I learned more about SEO or online marketing.

This blog is here for me, first and foremost, and not for you.

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I am now back in Montreal, but I feel very lost.

When I was home, I drifted timelessly from day to day doing pretty much nothing. I watched TV, played Wii with my sisters, and baked. I barely used Facebook just because I had no need of social connection -- that's just the way I am when I'm at home with my family.

Now that I'm no longer home, I feel crushed with an overpowering sense of loneliness and anxiety pertaining to what the future holds. My fingers automatically type Face-- into the browser every few minutes and of course, Facebook immediately comes up. I wait for a phone call from my family, usually after 9:00PM when I don't have to use my minutes (weekends and evenings free!).

I'm homesick because at home, I have no obligations and no responsibilities. Here, I remember my purpose as a student and I remember that I do not feel comfortable with myself unless I am that overreaching, overachieving student who does everything she can possibly do.

I feel that I should be looking for job opportunities, internships relating to my career choice, anything that will propel me forward. There's that constant preoccupation with forward, with the idea of getting somewhere faster. I am conflicted with my compulsion to be efficient with my time and my desire to escape the route of stress and competition, to be more laid-back. It's weird having the personality I do -- in which I can be neurotic but chill at the same time.

And honestly, I just don't know what my career choice is. I have no sense of direction, which is terrifying. I don't have a road map telling me exactly what to "shape" myself for a particular occupation because I don't know what that particular occupation is. If I did, I would not feel this tightening in my heart and this desire to regress into childhood and home.

Can you believe it? I've already searched airfares from Montreal to NYC for February break several times. I really want to escape.