Having any audience will cause me to self-censor, and my self-censoring rises proportionally with the number of potential known readers, and therefore, I self-censor a lot more when I post on Facebook. Not so much when I tweet it because I don't really use Twitter much.
In my tiny attempt of promoting my blog, I sacrificed content and the pleasure of writing my blog. It was a poor attempt anyway -- it's not like I learned more about SEO or online marketing.
This blog is here for me, first and foremost, and not for you.
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I am now back in Montreal, but I feel very lost.
When I was home, I drifted timelessly from day to day doing pretty much nothing. I watched TV, played Wii with my sisters, and baked. I barely used Facebook just because I had no need of social connection -- that's just the way I am when I'm at home with my family.
Now that I'm no longer home, I feel crushed with an overpowering sense of loneliness and anxiety pertaining to what the future holds. My fingers automatically type Face-- into the browser every few minutes and of course, Facebook immediately comes up. I wait for a phone call from my family, usually after 9:00PM when I don't have to use my minutes (weekends and evenings free!).
I'm homesick because at home, I have no obligations and no responsibilities. Here, I remember my purpose as a student and I remember that I do not feel comfortable with myself unless I am that overreaching, overachieving student who does everything she can possibly do.
I feel that I should be looking for job opportunities, internships relating to my career choice, anything that will propel me forward. There's that constant preoccupation with forward, with the idea of getting somewhere faster. I am conflicted with my compulsion to be efficient with my time and my desire to escape the route of stress and competition, to be more laid-back. It's weird having the personality I do -- in which I can be neurotic but chill at the same time.
And honestly, I just don't know what my career choice is. I have no sense of direction, which is terrifying. I don't have a road map telling me exactly what to "shape" myself for a particular occupation because I don't know what that particular occupation is. If I did, I would not feel this tightening in my heart and this desire to regress into childhood and home.
Can you believe it? I've already searched airfares from Montreal to NYC for February break several times. I really want to escape.
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